If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
