Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
