and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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