I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
