I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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