someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize