My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
