Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
it's like iHOP with fire
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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