So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
