pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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