I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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