the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize