I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I checked into jail on foursquare
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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