You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
