Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
