I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
