I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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