I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Randomize
