What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize