Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
