i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
