apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
