He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
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