If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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