Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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