pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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