i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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