Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
