So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
