My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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