I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
