Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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