living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize