God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
