Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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