For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
