He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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