Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
