My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
