He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
