While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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