I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
