Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
