All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
