Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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