He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
