it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
