You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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