Can i not drive my cunt home
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Randomize
