Cold hands, warm shart.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
