come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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