And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
