I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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