hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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