How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just blew my weed a kiss
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
