i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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