I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
