so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
