sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
