you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
