I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
